This is an edited version of the Introduction post that I wrote in the forum Fertility Connections on September 11, 2016. It is a bit of my background as to what has brought me to surrogacy.
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Hello everyone! I’m Anna, I’m 35 years old, live in Adelaide, married to Glen and have two lovely (well lovely most of the time!) children, Emily (4.5) and Ewan (2.5). We now have the two children that we want to raise but I would like to help others by becoming an egg donor to one family and a surrogate to another.
(Since this intro post, I have since been an egg donor 3 times and am on my way to becoming a surrogate)
Glen and I are both maths (and occasionally music) teachers….at the same high school! How romantic! No, we didn’t meet at work, we met through singing in the same choir. We both continued to sing in choirs until recently when getting to evening rehearsals is tricky with two young kids. So although choirs are on hold for a while, we are still a musical household. I did classical voice in my music degree (and Pure Maths and Latin in my other degree) so sometimes I think I sing more to my kids than talk to them! I also occasionally play the Harp and some piano. Glen can play the Cello, Bass Guitar, Piano and Bagpipes! But don’t hold the Bagpipes against him, he’s really a lovely person. We live in the north east of Adelaide and we have a big block for suburbia. We have two fur babies as well, the cat Glorfindel and a black Labrador called Thorondor. The names are obscure characters from the Lord of the Rings of which we are both big fans. When not at work or marking maths tests at home, we love to spend time with friends and family (I also have a twin brother), pottering around the garden, reading books for a monthly book club, playing computer games, baking or enjoying a night on the couch with Indian take away, a glass of red wine and a good movie.
I started investigating surrogacy while on maternity leave in 2016 so I could use the time to start to understand the journey I would be embarking upon with surrogacy and egg donation. My plan was to continue breastfeeding until Ewan was 12 months old and then I would donate potentially from about March 2017.
Surrogacy is something I have wanted to do since I was 14. A friend from school said she never thought she would be able to give birth as she had a low pain threshold, so in casual conversation I said I’d surrogate for her. I think I planted a seed in my own mind because this grew into an idea that I feel is a calling for me. My own two pregnancies have been fairly smooth and my births natural, especially my second (home, water, hypno) birth – but more about that later. It saddens me that I can casually say that my pregnancies and births were smooth while many of you have had health and fertility struggles. Fertility really is not fair. There seems to be a biological urge to raise children and most of us would assume growing up that this is something we will all be able to do when the time comes. But clearly mother nature makes some people jump through (enormous) hoops.
Aside from wanting to be a surrogate for nearly 20 years, after Ewan’s birth, I was even more convinced. His birth was the most empowering experience I have ever been through. I did a HypnoBirthing course during the pregnancy and this helped me to grow in confidence with planning my home, water birth. Although I’d read the HypnoBirthing book for Emily’s pregnancy, doing the course was so much more valuable. My gay friend Josh came with me to the classes and he was also my doula on the day. So not only have I always wanted to help another family by being a surrogate (and all that would go with that journey – physically, emotionally, mentally), I admit that I would love to give birth again because it was amazing. I also have a mental image (perhaps naively), of having another water birth, birthing the baby, and being the one to pass the bubba to its parents. The thought of the joy in that moment would be a life defining moment.
Being in education, perhaps that’s why I decided to film Ewan’s birth to use as an educational tool for others. There can be such fear associated with birth and I like the idea of doing my little bit to challenge and change misconceptions. So my video is actually up on YouTube!
I edited the video and all of the text in it is written by me. Rest assured, you don’t actually see the birth and there is no real nudity. I kept my bra on the whole time. Remember – I’m a high school teacher so I have to accept that a 15 year old boy might grab a screen shot of any part of the video and stick it up as a poster around school! So I tried to make sure there wasn’t anything too inappropriate. I’m very proud of the video and of the whole birth experience. I feel that it would be an honour to be able to share that experience with another family as their surrogate.
As with this home birth video being an educational tool, I think about what it would be like to be a surrogate in an educational setting. A school with nearly 900 students and 100 staff. I love the idea of young people being able to learn about surrogacy from a teacher at their school – even if they think I’m crazy! Perhaps they might go home and have a conversation with their family, perhaps this might bring another surrogate/donor out of the woodwork, or perhaps if they have fertility struggles in their life, there will be someone out there to help them on their journey. So again, perhaps this is naïve of me, but I now love having conversations with people about how birth doesn’t have to be full of pain and fear, and I like the idea of being able to have conversations with others about egg donation and surrogacy. The more seeds that are planted in different minds, the more potential surrogates and donors might emerge.
Self-promoting here: an an article I wrote for HypnoBirthing article I wrote for HypnoBirthing . My dad also wrote a reflection about the homebirth and a link is at the bottom of my article. Yes – my mum and dad were at Ewan’s birth! 9 people in total, including my daughter Emily and my sister on Skype in New York.
Yes, that’s right, my 2 year old daughter was at Ewan’s birth and it was the most natural thing in the world. It was the adults that were more worried in the lead up to the birth. Emily and I read simple books about home births and had talked about it a lot. It is probably due to that part of the experience that I realise that children are a lot less hung up about surrogacy and/or the idea of where babies come from and who parents are. There seem to be so many lovely books for kids out there to explain that some families are made in different ways, and from my positive experience with my own child with a home birth, I anticipate that my children will not be fussed if I become a tummy mummy.
One other inspiration for launching into surrogacy came indirectly from a student that I have taught. Michael is 23 now and has been battling cancer since he was 14. He was a part of a group of Year 12 students that I clicked with and we used to catch up for dinner as a group a couple of times a year. In 2014, his cancer struck again and he took a year off Uni to fight it. When I caught up with Michael and his mum one day, it really hit home that there was basically nothing that I could do to help him in that battle. It was up to him and his doctors. I felt helpless. So although I couldn’t change Michael’s life, it confirmed for me that I wanted to try and help to change someone’s life in a big way. Surrogacy was the path for me.
Regarding who I would be comfortable surrogating for – possibly anyone. However in South Australia I believe the law prohibits me from being a surrogate for same-sex couples and single women.
I think I always anticipated I would be a surrogate for gay men since Josh (aka doula for a day) has been a part of my life and my sister always had so many gay friends. But that might have meant interstate IPs and that wasn’t my ideal situation. So a couple in SA would be my ideal scenario. I guess I should also be honest about another point, I believe I feel more called to donate/surrogate for a couple who don’t already have children. That may seem overly harsh, and I apologise to those that this may offend. But I suppose if this journey is something which myself, Glen and my children are entering into, it needs to be one which we feel most at peace with. That being said, it’s also about meeting the right people/person.
Update in September 2017. As of April in 2017, it is now legal in SA to carry for a same sex couple. This is great news for gay couples in SA…..and for me! As it means my options have expanded. Also, my initial feeling of wanting to carry for a couple who don’t already have children has totally disappeared. It’s about finding a couple in Adelaide who are the right match for me and and my family. That we ‘click’, have similar communication styles and give/receive our support to each other in ways that we both need. Having two kids myself, I also now value the wonderful/challenging relationship of siblings. So who knows who I’ll be a surrogate for?!)
My egg donation journey began 2 years ago. My older sister has lived in New York for 15 years and with her now husband for half of that time. She was in her early 40s when they decided to try for a child but it wasn’t meant to be. They tried a few cycles of IUI and one attempt at harvesting eggs, but none were viable. I offered them an egg (assuming I had some to offer) and after some thinking time, they gratefully declined. It struck me though that if I was willing to offer an egg to them, why not others? So I would like to go down this track too.
Regarding my husband Glen, he is onboard but was initially more comfortable with egg donation than surrogacy. When I first started investigating surrogacy, it was only 7 months previously that I was pregnant, and he was able to recall what the impact was like for him in terms of juggling a toddler and a heavily pregnant wife – well he didn’t literally juggle me 🙂 Glen is the type of person that is cautious about most things. Our home birth is one example. He likes to gather the facts, do lots of research, have time to digest, weigh up our options and then move forward. Once committed to anything he doesn’t jump out of his skin with excitement – that’s my job! But he does commit and is a firm supporter of the different things I pursue in life. When we first started seeing each other, and the first year was long distance while I was teaching in Katherine in the Northern Territory, he told me he was my Oak tree. He wasn’t someone in whom love blossomed quickly to then consequently be gone in the next season, he was there to be a sturdy, slow growing, dependable Oak tree. And he has certainly been that.
I look forward to becoming a part of this wonderful community. Having adequate support was one thing that Glen was most worried about, but I sense that the people and families here will offer such strength.
Surrogacy Safari 